Do you think it's fair for someone to 'veto' a special name and claim that no one else can use it for their child? Two women have been pulled into a family feud after a grieving mother issued an ultimatum
Losing a child is one of the most heartbreaking things a person can go through and it should come as no surprise that reminders of them, such as their name used in a different setting, can compound a person’s grief. However, a debate has broken out on social media after a new mum revealed her sister-in-law demanded she change her four-month-old daughter’s name because it was also the moniker of her stillborn baby.
After initially refusing to alter her child’s legal name a rift has emerged between the family. Wondering if she is in the wrong, she wrote: “I gave birth to my daughter, Ember, four months ago. My husband and I both loved her name and that's how it was chosen. We announced the day she was born and nobody said anything negative or gave a reason for us not to use it then.
“I say this because three days ago my sister-in-law, who is married to my brother, sat me down and asked me to change the name because it's the name of her stillborn daughter she had with her ex-husband seven years ago. She told me she tried to keep it quiet but she couldn't let me keep calling my daughter Ember because it's such a painful reminder for her. She told me she really feels like we should change her name.
“I gently told her that my daughter was four months old and her name is on the birth certificate and it would cost us to change it, so we will not. She told me she tried so hard not to say anything and the fact she did eventually break and bring this up should show how hard this is for her and make me more willing to change the name for her sake.”
The new mum and her husband discussed the situation and both felt it was too late to change their daughter’s name. She added: “He told me it seemed like a weak excuse to wait four, almost five months, to tell us, when she had the chance long before this. My brother found out about the conversation with his wife and he reached out and told me she mentioned it to him two months ago and that she was battling with asking us to change the name since, but he understands why I said no and supports the decision.
“Yesterday she reached out to me again and asked me if we had decided on a new name yet and I told her my answer is still no and she asked why and I told her she waited four months to tell us. She became very angry very quickly and told me if she had lost my niece my response would be different and I should see this as her losing my niece because she would have been if she were alive.
“She also told me my daughter is going to grow up always hearing about the cousin I gave her the same name as and that I should reconsider before burdening my daughter with that. She told me a good person with good morals would.
“I should also mention; I knew she had suffered a pregnancy loss but it was implied she had a miscarriage far earlier and not a stillborn child. I never knew the name or sex. And I never ever heard her use a name for her daughter.”
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The desperately difficult situation caused a divide among Reddit readers and while the majority felt she shouldn't have to change her daughter's name, others implored her to feel empathy for the grieving woman. One person replied: “You're mad at her for not telling you sooner but would that have even changed anything? I bet the answer is no. Your husband is wrong saying it's a weak excuse to have waited to say anything when in fact it shows she was trying to come to terms with it.
“Have empathy for her. She lost a child. You may one day be in her shoes. I hope you never are but well s*** happens. So look stop blaming her. She shouldn't keep pestering you. But she did seemingly try to be to get over it. And until you lose a child you'll never know or understand her pain.”
If you have been affected by this story, advice and support can be found at Sands (stillbirth and neonatal death charity). You can call them on 0808 164 3332 or email helpline@sands.org.uk.
If you are pregnant or a new mother and you are in crisis, the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline provides free, confidential support 24/7 in English and Spanish. Call or text the hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262).
Do you have a story to share? Email eve.wagstaff@reachplc.com
